MOVIE REVIEWS: Captain Planet and the Planeteers: The Movie
Captain Planet, everybody’s favorite big, gay, blue pollution-fighting hero has arrived to the big screen and I could not be more excited. Really, I can’t, cause I’m NOT excited.
This review has spoilers. You have been warned!
The reason I’m not all that excited is because Captain Planet is on my “don’t go back” list. My “don’t go back” list is a list I keep in my mind by asking the question: “did you enjoy this as a kid?” If the answer is yes, then I’ll avoid the subject in question. Captain Planet was one of those things I enjoyed as a kid and now with a movie hitting the big screen, I’m afraid it’ll join the rank of Transformers and basically make me want to weep for my childhood.
With the remake, I’m expecting another special effects-laden film with a few jokes about masturbation to make it “cool” to the teenagers. A cockpunch to whoever thought THAT was a good idea. I’m looking in your direction TRANSFORMERS (that’s twice in I mention you- NOT GOOD!).
So, let’s talk about the movie. The film begins with a shot of a beetle, climbing up a blade of grass. Suddenly, a rabbit sifts by, knocking the beetle off the blade of grass. The camera takes off after the rabbit as it journeys through the forest. We chase the rabbit through bushes, tall grass, even through a tree trunk. The rabbit then scares off a robin that’s plucking out a worm and, naturally, the camera is now following the robin as it flies through the trees. It lands on a branch where it’s young are chirping furiously for a taste of regurgitated worm. All is well in the forest, or so we think. Suddenly, A FUCKING CHAINSAW comes out of nowhere nearly decapitating the robin (it’s the robin’s fault for building it’s nest so low on a tree). The baby birds are chirping like hell and there’s tree dust flying everywhere. The camera pans out and there’s this gigantic piece of capital equipment that’s ripping this tree to shreds. The tree is about to topple over! OH NOES!! To make it worse, Mr.Rabbit decides to pop his head out of his bunny home and is looking in the opposite direction of the tree that’s about to splatter his bunny brains all over the nearby rocks. NO!! RUN BUNNY RUN!! Suddenly, you hear a rumble and a blue streak zooms through the trees and just as the tree is about the land on Mr.Rabbit’s head, this blue silhouette of a man grabs it and hoists it in the air. Bunny can live to see another day! We then see the baby birdies falling through the air in the bird’s nest when a red-gloved hand comes out and grabs them. The blue streak flies to another tree and places the nest down on a branch. The men in the capital equipment come out of the vehicle and look up at the sky, “who is this man?” By this time, our famous blue streak has positioned himself to be completely back lit from the sun. Could it be Captain Planet? What’s with the filmmakers reluctance to reveal Captain Planet? I mean, we saw him in all the trailers. Finally, Captain Planet launches the tree at the machinery threatening the forest. The two workers run out of the way just as the tree flattens the vehicle (was Captain Planet trying to kill those guys? what if one of them tripped and ended up getting killed by the tree?). Finally, the camera pans up to reveal Captain Planet himself, who is played by a big and blue Kevin Sorbo, who makes his return – correction – his debut (Krull the Conquerer doesn’t count) on the big screen. Wait a minute! Only the Planeteers can summon Captain Planet! He can’t roam the earth by himself saving all the bunnies and birds. He’s Captain Planet! Not Santa Claus. Not to worry, they thought of that.
Enter Gaia (played by Demi Moore) who realizes that Captain Planet cannot save the planet by himself so she creates 5 rings (and one ring to rule them all?) and decides on 5 teenagers to give them too in order to protect the earth. The rings are the same as in the show: earth, water, fire, wind, and heart. Needless to say, Gaia fails on explaining what the fuck the heart ring is really about.
This is when we meet the Planeteers – who get their rings personally delivered to them by nature. The first Planeteer we meet is Gi (played by Devon Aoki), the Asian girl who has the power of water. We first meet Gi as she’s in a locker room putting on a wetsuit and getting ready to swim with dolphins. We’re given a snippet of Gi’s backstory when she stares at a picture of, what we assume are, her parents with a dolphin. We get flashbacks to Gi crying as she’s holding the dolphin in her arms, the dolphin doesn’t seem to be doing so well cause it’s… what’s the word again… oh, dead. Finally, she’s out and swimming with other, more alive, dolphins. She’s throwing toys their way and the dolphins keep throwing them back. Suddenly, one dolphin throws her a ring with a blue jewel the size of an eyeball attached to it. She puts on the ring and has a little drug trip where Gaia explains to her the power of the ring. So cool! Kind of like how the first level of almost every platformer video game is an easy tutorial type level where someone explains the controls. Gi is making waves in no time.
Then we meet Linka (played by a blond Megan Fox who sports an atrocious accent), the Russian Planeteer who’s studying how to attract birds by emulating their tweets. We meet her in the middle of a forest, as she works with her team to set up speakers attached to a keyboard. It also seems that, even thought we’re in Russia, Russians rather talk English with Russian accents then just speak in their native language. Linka plays some of the birdy music and birds flock from everywhere. One of them even brings her a gift, a ring that holds the power of wind.
I are Wheeler.
Then we meet Wheeler (Chris Evans), who is chasing someone through the streets of New York City. He finally catches up to the guy and it’s revealed that the guy had stolen someone’s wallet. Wheeler negotiates for the wallet, threatening that “something bad” would happen if he didn’t get the wallet back. Something bad does happen, the thief is joined by his friends and Wheeler is outnumbered. They start kicking his ass when suddenly a ball of fire comes out of nowhere and chases the bad guys away. Yes, it comes OUT OF NOWHERE. What’s left is a ring that Wheeler puts on giving him the power to control fire. Wheeler’s probably the most environmentally-conscious alpha male you’ll ever meet.
Then we meet the youngest of The Planeteers, Ma-Ti. Yeah, the unfortunate one who gets the “heart” ring. He’s played by a young Brazilian actor named Thiago Gomez. Ma-Ti lives in the forest with his grandfather. One day, while walking in the woods, he noticed the rare site of a jaguar hunting a monkey. Yes, you heard me. When the jaguar had the monkey trapped (cause the monkey was not smart enough to climb a tree, he must’ve been absent during “Being a Monkey 101″) Ma-Ti steps in and stares the cat down. The cat runs away and the monkey gives Ma-Ti a ring (oh, so this whole Jaguar – Monkey thing was all a plan to test his courage). Ma-Ti puts on the ring and Gaia appears, again, explaining the ring. Even Ma-Ti looks like he has no fucking clue, except now he can talk to his monkey. All is well in the forest.
I are Kwame
Finally, we meet Kwame (Djimon Hounsou) who is busy planting trees. As he plants his last tree, he finds his “Earth” ring. He puts on the ring and the ground shakes. He then meets Gaia, who goes on to explain what the whole ring is about.
With the Planeteers assembled, it’s now time for the movie’s plot to unfold. So, they all meet up in some hallowed out volcano (the set from Austin Powers?) and talk about saving the world. They begin by going country to country, stopping abominations against nature. First they head to the arctic and stop seal hunters, then to the Brazilian rain forests to stop some loggers. It gets pretty menial. Finally, they find out that these events are all connected. So they try to solve the mystery as to who is behind these acts against nature. Think CSI but with the environment instead of murder scenes. Finally, they find out that the man behind all these acts is the CEO of a godzilla-sized corporation ( I could’ve told you from the beginning of this movie it was the corporations!) named ExoCorp. The CEO, Mr.Hoggish (played by Jon Lovitz transformed into the Pig Man from Seinfeld) has his sights set on demolishing every tree in the world. How will he do this? Well, with his new toys – an army of robots that can devour forests in mere minutes. Oh, and in order to comply with the government’s strict environmentally friendly laws, the robots are also solar-powered (oh the irony!). Hoggish is keeping the Planeteers busy by deploying baddies all over the world. While doing so, he’s using the media (fox news?) to instill to the public that polluting is okay and fun!
Jon Lovitz as Mr.Hoggish
The Planeteers are finding their newfound responsibility of keeping the world safe and clean daunting. Especially the youngest Planeteer, Ma-Ti, who I bet if he had to choose between saving the world and having a childhood, he’d have chosen the latter. Finally, the Planeteers find themselves in the same situation as Captain Planet found himself at the beginning of the film, overwhelmed. They can’t do this all themselves. That’s when they realize they need to take hold of the media. So, now, they’re not the Planeteers but the Mediateers! Cause we all know Earth’s most dangerous creature is man!
Naturally, this all leads to a scene where Hoggish vocalizes his REAL plans while a camera is running and broadcasting it to the world (including Times Square! Hackers style!). Freaked out by his slip of the tounge, Hoggish does the next logical thing. He releases the ROBOTS! YEAH!!
So we’re treated to a climatic, Lord of the Rings styled battle, with nature-hating robots. The population sees the Planeteers are helpless and they decide to fight against these robots. Now the entire general population is fighting these robots. Destroying them in any way possible. They’re solar powered though! They’re not all THAT bad!
Hoggish makes a run for it but not before Gaia turns him into a tree. I hate when the bad guys of movies meet their fate in a “why didn’t you do that before?” sort of way. Gaia tells him, “you’d better hope they don’t cut down this forest.” HA! Showed him!
Captain Planet and The Planeteers: The Movie wasn’t all too ba d. In fact, it’s very similar to the TV show which wasn’t really all that good (from an adult perspective). I can see this film appealing to kids and making them more environmently conscious as opposed to self-conscious (I’m looking at you Bratz: The Movie and Hannah Montana: The Movie). The film’s message of saving the planet being something we must all partake in rather than let some 12 year old boy with a monkey and ring do it is not lost. Kevin Sorbo is not that bad as Captain Planet, although I would’ve preferred Val Kilmer, he does make Captain Planet likable rather than the bland superhero they had in original cartoons. The Planeteers are likable but Linka and Wheeler’s chemisty does get a bit annoying, we know you guys like eachother, have sex already! Oh… right… rated PG. I’m glad they didn’t venture into Transformers territory and not know whether to make the film cartoonish or realistic. I’m also glad they didn’t have any mentions of masturbation for no reason whatsoever. I mean, the cartoon series already dealt with AIDs. That’s right! AIDs! in a show about the environment.
Captain Planet does what it has to do. The effects are pretty cool, the story is engaging enough to keep you watching, some of the jokes fall flat, and Jon Lovitz as Hoggish is awesome. Now, this one just squeezed through and I liked it just enough not to hate it (isn’t it always like that?). I ask, now, oh Hollywood producers, to keep my morning cartoons in the pristine shape they’re in. Please, PLEASE! don’t let me have a “why the fuck did I watch this as a kid? was I retarded?” moment.
This get’s 2.75 Zimpy Stars out of a possible 5.
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